Top 13 of 2013, Day #9: Clarity

Day #9: August, 2013

A few of my top "days" actually cheat a little in that they're actually a specific time rather than a specific day. One of those times occurred in early August.

I've previously written about a general feeling of uncertainly in regards to what I want to be when I grow up, the fluid nature of where I expect to see myself in five or ten or thirty years. I can picture the future in a lot of different ways, some more satisfying than others, always making it work, but, usually, still not feeling "settled".

I'm confident I'm not the only unsettled person in the world. Not even the only unsettled person in MY world. I know people have different dreams for themselves, I know that they've imagined different outcomes. Some are still working towards those visions, others have tossed them aside in favor of detoured lives they're content to live. I think that knowing what you don't want can be easy, knowing what you do want can be hard, but knowing what you're willing to sacrifice to actually get there? That's the most difficult part. And, in my experience, it's not until you're forced to answer that question that you can feel better about being unsettled.

That was my experience this summer. For a lot of reasons, I don't want to get into too much detail, but I'm hoping that maybe by NOT being specific, this might apply to more people than just me.

I finished school this year. My Master's program in Corporate Communication. It was really just an expensive excuse to develop myself professionally and hopefully put me on a better path to being settled. I was in the program for two years before I found this clarity, and in the end? It had nothing to do with school.

I've often been asked what my "dream" job would be. I usually rattle off a couple of Disney-related ideas (Monorail driver! Balloon vendor! Princess!) before getting to the "real" stuff - the writing, the public relations, the event management - that actually encompasses what I've gone to school for. (Twice.) On paper, I want to be involved with social media engagement, I want to work on community campaigns, I want to travel, I want to be part of something that makes me feel good.

On paper.

And, in August, I was given an opportunity to do just that, for a cause that has hit very close to home recently. It was perfect. On paper.

Yet, for three agonizing days, that paper got flipped over and folded into origami creatures and turned around every which way. The perfect job - on paper - just felt...unsettled. I couldn't find the catch. It was an amazing opportunity that I will NEVER again have in my lap. Besides the typical things I freak out about - decisions and change - I couldn't find one substantial negative in the offer. Oh, sure, there were smaller things that would have had to have been discussed, but the job and situation itself? It was exactly what I would've written for myself.

Except that it felt unsettled.

I knew that if I took that opportunity, it would be another bullet on my resume. I knew that I would still be wondering how long until my next chance. And I didn't want to do that. As I said, I don't like decisions, and I don't like change. I want my next move to be a long term one, not just another box I check off on my Linked In profile.

But, sometimes, it's hard to tell what part of your brain is talking to you. The scared part. The practical part. The lazy part. The egotistical part. The naive part. The voices are probably all there, and, stupidly, I listened to them all. I made my decision based on all those voices in my brain, and I pressed send on the email.

And then I literally panicked.

It was that moment that my gut woke up and banged on the door of my heart and asked what the hell was going on. Great timing, you two. It would've been helpful to have the same visceral reaction a day or so before it had come to that.

As soon as I had my answer, I went from the anguish of decision making to the complete adrenaline rush of clarity. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew I wouldn't feel settled without doing it. But, for the first time? I felt like I could. I felt like I had to. I felt like I would.

And that clarity has made every day since a little bit easier to battle, knowing that it's my choice to be here, right now, in THIS life, but working towards something else. Each day is not a trap. It's an opportunity.

In the midst of all of this decision making, I was given advice that I think is actually pretty helpful. When forced to make a choice, put your options down on slips of paper or even assign them to different sides of one coin. Choose the paper (or flip the coin), and before you even get a chance to read the outcome fate has chosen for you, you'll already know what you HOPE the answer will be.

Heads for yes, tails for no. Either way, while that coin is in the air, a strong piece of you will be willing it to land one way or the other.

And THAT is your answer.