Don't get me wrong. I grew up watching Miss America, practicing my surprised "ME?!" winning look, perfecting my wave, and balancing a tin foil crown on my head in the living room. None of these, by the way, count as actual "talents" according to the official rules, and that's complete bull. You'll notice not one of these girls can actually DO that when she's crowned. I should've practiced yodeling instead.
Anyway, I don't have beef with Miss America, and I do feel connected to the history of it, particularly when the crowning took place in Atlantic City. I was also named after a former Miss America, soooo...yeah, I'm glad I took the pressure off all future Kylenes whose moms have pageant dreams for them. Even with the connection, however, it's impossible for me to watch this contest with even a tinge of seriousness.
With so many new reality shows to chose from, it feels almost like a parody. I find myself hoping someone will roll an ankle and wipe out during the Swimsuit Strut, or possibly lose track of a baton over the audience during the talent competition. And, really, can we just get ONE of the eliminated contestants to pull a Kanye and grab the mic from one of the other girls? They've ALREADY lost. They're forced to sit up there on stage and SMILE the whole time. Why not just make things interesting?
So tonight I tuned in just before swimsuit when I learned one of the girls was named Mariah Cary. (I'm easily amused.) At that point, the commentary with Lindsay began. Below are the text screen shots and Google chat messages of our time watching Miss America 2013.
We may not have sashes or sparkly crowns, but I think we can all agree who the real winners are tonight.
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Correction: I would've come in 54th, at least. At the time, I thought 53 was a joke. I thought "Well, Miss America, America has 50 states..." but I'm smarter than that and realized it was more than that because, for this contest, we include DC and Puerto Rico. I have no idea where the 53rd state comes into play, but needless to say - I would NOT have placed well in any of the competitions. Except the one where they judge based on being named after Miss America.
I started watching just as they were beginning the swimsuit competition. Like I said - if someone threw down a Mario Kart banana peel, maybe I'd be impressed. But can't these girls be beautiful in regular every day clothes?
And in unrelated news, Merriebeth.
There were a lot of texts before the formal wear part of the show, but Lindsay and I don't want to get sued. We'll move into fancy gowns, k?
If Gwyneth Paltrow is your ANYTHING icon, you shouldn't admit it.
Yeah, I really don't hate the show, and some of the gowns were pretty. I liked Oklahoma's blue gown, and Wyoming's with the shiny polka dots? ADORABLE! I declared her the winner.
Unfortunately, my vote doesn't count for anything.
But then came Illinois with that crazy red ocean of a gown, and I got so flummoxed I couldn't even spell. Jessica Rabbit?! I mean, KUDOS, she's better than Gwyneth, but how RANDOM is that?
And then: talent.
This is the best part, guys. This is where I couldn't tell if it was real or not.
My apologies to my friends who represented SHS with batons in their hands, but honestly...I really didn't know this was a thing.
I just feel like this is a random "talent", and I should be able to enter based on my ability to balance things. I'm just saying.
I can't help it. I think it would've been funny if her act went a slapstick route.
(Our friend Mia was busy being freakin' talented on a stage herself, so she wasn't able to enjoy the show with us.)
And then TN came on wearing this, like, spearmint colored dress, and I really thought for a moment she was just going to read. She sang instead.
Being as how I win every single talent competition that's held in my car when no one is around to hear how good I am, I think I'm a good judge to say she wasn't great, but she was LEGIT wearing a dress from the 80's soap.
We're harsh. So what.
We're also right.
She did confirm, by the way. It was 1983.
I'm holding to my guess that the talent lineup was based on some sort of journey through time.
At that point, we moved the conversation to gchat because it was just easier than texting.
(Scene: Girl plays "an original composition")me: oh good. Conzonay what now?
Lindsay: Jeff goes "oh this is going to be bad"
10:20 PM me: ooh, she just looked over at us
original composition = no one would know if she messed up
10:21 PM Lindsay: her earring fell off
"maybe if she wasnt moving her head so much"-jeff
me: I WAS DISCONNECTED
ABBY LEE WOULD HAVE KILLED HER FOR THAT (Scene: Girl sings from Les Mis) me: Anne Hathaway called, she says you suck
Anne Hathaway called, she says lose 20 lbs
10:22 PM Anne Hathaway called, she said shave your hair
Anne Hathaway called, she said OSCAR.
Lindsay: I WAS TYPING THAT
(Scene: Girl wearing sparkly dress singing country pop...not well)me: Is she auditioning for Nashvillethese singers wouldn't make it past the producers of AI
WOW
Lindsay: a lot see through material has been used in the last 7 minutes
WHAT?
me: I mean, I cringed
10:35 PM she's trying hard though
Lindsay: omg
i actually feel bad for her
me: this is....not good.
like, someone give her a baton
maybe she's better at that
Lindsay: jeff goes "she is kidding, right?"
10:36 PM me:OOH!
maybe he's right!
maybe her talent was comedy!
10:44 PM(Scene: Judges questions time - how do you feel about broadcasters improperly objectifying women?)
Lindsay: lol
she thinks it awesome
they are probably friends on twitter
she wants to be on epsn for her beauty
me: Miss America: Properly Objectifying Women Since 1921
10:46 PM Lindsay: EYAHHHHHHHHHAHAHHAAH
(Scene: McKayla Maroney, unimpressed Olympian, presents her question)
Lindsay: "miss wyoming, don't you think I should have won a gold medal?"
Lindsay: "miss wyoming, do you like my dress?"
me: Miss Wyoming, are you impressed?
10:55 PM (Scene: Moments before one winner and 53 losers are announced)me: YOU ARE ALL AMAZING
Lindsay: hold my hand
me: but really only one of you is
WHY DO YOU LOOK HAPPY?
YOU JUST LOST!
Lindsay: i like her dress
me: WHO IS GONNA BE GRAND SUPREME
(Scene: Miss New York, Mallory Hytes Hagan, is crowned! Very nervously! By current Miss America who has had a full year to learn how to put on a crown but still can't get it stuck on there! SEE? THIS SHOULD BE A TALENT!)me: BOBBY PIN
BOBBY PIN
BOBBY PIN
BOBBY PIN
BOBBY PIN
10:58 PM
me:
< cue the mob by the rest of the contestants as they try to get the final few seconds of screentime >
Lindsay: i'd flash my twittername
And that, America, is what you missed.